As We Forgive

A short lesson on how to forgive.

The most difficult part of The Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13 is surely “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”
At some point we recognize we must forgive if we are to continue as disciples of Christ. We aren’t given the option not to forgive.

Jesus qualified the whole teaching on how to pray by focusing on forgiving, not on being forgiven. Being forgiven is the default posture of the Christian; forgiving is something they have to practice. Immediately after the prayer lesson he says, “14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, 15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14–15). 

Jesus makes being forgiven conditional on forgiving. I didn’t make that condition, Jesus did. It is, of course, the same Grace of Christ and power of His Spirit both forgiving and enabling us to forgive, but we still have to do it.

The truth is, so few of us actually know how to forgive.
Here are six ways I practice forgiveness in my life:

1. Know when to say sorry and when to ask for forgiveness.
   Sorry is not for intentional sin, it is for innocent mistakes. Don’t say sorry when you should ask forgiveness; and if you’re a family leader or business leader, you have to set the standard for this kind of living. You have to be self aware enough to know the difference between a mistake and intentional sin, and you have to have the courage to admit, out loud, your intentional sin.
   You can’t just say sorry to God for sin, you must ask Him to forgive you, and then accept His forgiveness. Well then, have the same expectation for yourself with other people, teach them to also live this way.
   When you knock someone’s drink say “I’m sorry.” unless you meant to knock it. When you lie, or cheat, or steal ask forgiveness before you get found out.
   Teach your kids when and how to ask each other for forgiveness. I’m fairly sure God gave most of us siblings so that we could learn how to forgive before we even got to school, but parents need to teach it. Here’s how: If two of you kids have a conflict moment determine what is needed. Was it an accident, do they need a nap? Or was there an intentional wickedness in one of their behaviors? If the latter then stop everything—this life skill is more important than just about anything else.
   The one who did the wrong needs to ask for forgiveness, the one wronged needs to forgive, and the offender needs to accept the forgiveness gracefully and gratefully.
   Far too often we race through life, “say you’re sorry.” Force them to hug because we’re late for school or the ballet lesson. We reinforce unforgiveness that way, they all learn to harbor resentment when they could learn how to be free.
   If you don’t practice asking for forgiveness then you’ll likely battle to forgive.
2. Don’t always tell people you forgive them.
   Some people will read it wrong, or weaponize it, and sometimes we use forgiveness to look like we’ve taken the moral high ground. My rule is to always ask forgiveness when I need to, to always forgive, but to only tell people I forgive them when necessary or when the relationship is close enough.
   This is just wisdom, we are complex beings who have a sin nature. Sometimes—with forgiveness—we don’t need to make a show of it. 
3. Separate forgiveness from future trust.
   Forgiveness is default, Trust is earned. I will forgive entirely, debt paid, but that doesn’t mean I have to trust blindly. “I forgive you, you and I are square for the past, but I don’t trust you yet for the future.” Is a perfectly biblical response.
   There also may be some restitution required.
4. Forgive regularly.
   Daily, the way you forgive yourself. I let myself down daily, and I bet you do too. I’m super quick to forgive myself, “come on self, let’s move on, you can do better.” It’s smooth and I do tend to do better. Simply do that with others, grudges would destroy yourself if you held them against yourself, they will also destroy relationships if you hold them against others.
5. Let forgiveness take all the time it needs.
   When you first forgive you feel nothing. You’ll be tempted to give up. But don’t give up, keep forgiving every day, out loud. Hear yourself pray, “Father I forgive them.” Don’t wait until you feel like forgiving. Forgiveness is like Agape Love, it has very little to do with feelings.
   At some point you will begin to feel different, very slightly the sharp edge of your anger and rage will begin to dull. You will begin to see them in a new light. You may never forget what they did to you, but they will change in your eyes. It may take years or weeks but God will bring His will and strength, supernaturally enabling your words of forgiveness to be true.
   You will be letting them go free, yes, but more significantly you will also be letting yourself go free, and you will be welcoming the forgiveness of God into your life.
6. Get help if you need it.
   There are 6 forms of legitimate, biblical conflict resolution. They are: 1) Overlooking, which has limited efficacy; 2) Discussion, 3) Negotiation, 4) Mediation, 5) Arbitration, and 6) Separation, or Discipline, we sometimes call it. The final three (Mediation, Arbitration, and Separation/Discipline) require help from the local church you are part of.
   Be part of a local church, if for no other reason. Matthew 18:15-20 has more on this.

When we practice these things, forgiveness becomes less of a duty—it becomes the kind of relational restoration that God delights in.

The Japanese have a pottery repair art form called kintsugi where broken pottery is pieced back with inert metal and resin. In this form broken pottery is not restored to its former state, the break is—in one sense—highlighted by unexpected grace and beauty.
However, the restored piece is 1) stronger, 2) more unique, and 3) more beautiful than before. This is what forgiveness does, it restores back to a better place. The goal of forgiveness is always reconciliation.

This one skill is extremely and profoundly necessary in Christian living, it’s sorely lacking in the modern Church. My advice is to practice it, to get really good at it; and teach others how. It’s a skill well worth mastering.